Living...

What really is life? How do I survive knowing that I will never be an end but just a mean? Well, Kant I am sorry my dear friend but humans are who they are.

I have no life of my own, I just fill up other people's lives, I am the single friend who's always there when something comes up, I am the daughter to call when there is a problem to solve, I am the sister you go to when you are upset. And what does that make me, a thoughtful person or a sad one?

Who do I want to be and when was the last time I did something that really made me happy? When was the last time someone called and asked, 'What do you want to do tonight?'

Well, it's not that I do not have friends but sometimes it's as if I don't. Sometimes it hurt's so much knowing you are just a guest, you are only an extra... And you can never be there when it counts or when you really need to.

Comfort

Comfort movies are like comfort food, they instantly sooth you but soon they make you feel even more depressed than you initially felt, not to mention guilty. I love romcoms while I also hate them. They depict a world of magical coincidences that I can never be a part of. I have no idea what a happy ending is in neither my personal or professional life.

European movies require some more... patience. The truth is, to convince myself to watch a French or Italian film I have to actually go to a cinema theatre. For the first half an hour I keep checking my watch but soon I sink in, and I remember what being happy feels like... It feels like the opposite of loneliness. You can identify with the three dimensional characters, with the open ending, even with the fact that everything happens in real time instead of fast forward.

But how does someone who is addicted to instant gratification moves on from chocolate and rom-coms? And how do I forgive myself every time I give in, every time I find myself hurting and crying over not being perfect enough?